btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
