The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
