We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
