Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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