there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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