we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
