you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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