I met the friendliest cop last night
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
