oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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