Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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