It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
