Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
