Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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