I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
These tits shall not be calmed
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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