I just made out with a guy for $7.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
