You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
