there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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