Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
