I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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