I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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