Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
