just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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