Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
