I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
