I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The police scanner is talking about you again....
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
