Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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