Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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