I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
