lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
