hotel room ftw
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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