3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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