last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
