Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
