You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize