Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
he thought i was a dude.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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