if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
