I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
