Got a toothbrush?
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
