My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
