I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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