I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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