i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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