So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
