i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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