its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
