Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
