I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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