She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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