I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
