Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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