my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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