The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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