oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
i out mim tonsoeep
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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