Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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