There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
