she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
